For the last few months, what the Bible refers to as, "the fruits of the Spirit" have been floating around in the back of my mind almost constantly. Some days I feel encouraged that God must have placed them on my heart to remind me of the ways I need to grow...what I need to turn to as an example of how to live the moments of my days. Other times, I feel like they are these annoying little pangs of guilt...specific and clear ways that I am absolutely failing every day.
It seems like if we have this verse, this very clear list of character qualities we should follow to be more like God, it would be easy to do. Right? I mean, we all say things like, "I want to be more Christ-like" but here is basically the recipe to follow to attain that goal and I can't seem to figure it out. One night laying in bed, I even decided that maybe I should tattoo these fruits of the spirit somewhere on my body and THEN I would daily be reminded of how to live my life. How to be "good." How to be better.
Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."
I need this plastered on the walls of my house, in the car...basically every where I go, in every circumstance I'm in, I need this in neon lights, flashing at me. I mean, I've been a Christian for most of my life and yet, I forget this verse so easily. I forget these specific, outlined, you-gotta-be-a-dummy-to-not-understand-these, qualities once I get into my every day life.
I forget to show joy when my daughter is being stubborn or selfish. I forget to bring peace to our home when I choose to yell in anger because my kids aren't listening for the 100th time that day. I forget to show kindness when someone is rude to me. I forget to show patience about 200 times a day. ..patience with my kids, my dog, my husband, the drivers in front of me, with the woman checking me out at Fred Meyer, with achieving goals, with people who don't respond to a text message...the list goes on and on when it comes to me and patience. I forget to show love to those that have deeply wounded me. I forget how much more gentleness would be responded to in my home with my three girls then harshness and barking orders does. I forget self-control with my food choices, with the words that come out of my mouth in those moments of anger, with what I type on my phone as I'm pushing send... Self-control...what's that? I have the ability to control myself!? But emotions control me. Food controls me. Temptation controls me. My kids. My husband. Money. What friends think. What my parents think. My desires. My appearance. Don't all of those things control me? I forget to show goodness when I let the ugly in me come out. And I forget to be faithful when I choose again and again not to be the example of Christ that He calls me to be. When I choose my will, not His.
Now make no mistake, I want to be these things more then anything. I so long to be this wonderfully loving, joy-filled, peace-making, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self-controlled woman. I really do! So if I want it, if I think about it, and if I know these things are the "key" to being the person God desires me to be...why aren't I? What is taking me so long to get this right? I get the whole, "I am human and full of sin" part. I know I will fall short no matter how I try. But am I really even trying that hard? Do I make a choice, any choice, all through my days, every day, to choose these Fruits of the Spirit?
Truth is, I don't. I really don't. I admit that I am ruled and motivated by my emotions more then anything. So if I do happen to be patient or kind...gentle or self-controlled, it's because I FEEL LIKE IT in that moment. That's an ugly truth to admit. And what that means is, all those times I don't feel like displaying those qualities, I simply don't. I do try and I do "feel like it" some days. Some moments. Some days, more moments then not. And I feel God nudging me from time to time to remember how much I desire to live these out. Because He knows my heart and He knows that I want to please Him and I want to love people and I want to be PROUD of who I am. I don't just want to be proud of who I am because I'm a "good" mom or because I'm a "good" daughter or a "good" wife, a "good" friend. I don't want to just be proud of my home or my possessions, my accomplishments or talents. In my core, all I really want to be proud of is for who I am. And I know I would be proud of myself if I lived this verse every day. Wouldn't we all?
At the same time, being feisty and loud and passionate and emotional is a big part of who I am. It's what I'm comfortable with, right or wrong. Having to make a choice in my behavior instead of just living on auto-pilot with what comes naturally is probably the hardest thing I'll have to do in every day life. To choose to walk, day in and day out, in the Fruits of the Spirit. And that's what it is: a choice. Like any new bad habit to break or new routine to commit to, we have to make that same choice every day, until one day, it becomes our new normal. And what a fantastic normal this would be, right?
I could be the one in my home who brings peace. When there is chaos and arguing and kids being kids...I could be what brings peace. When everyone is tired or my kids are making poor choices, when my husband forgets to do what he said he would do, when I'm in a hurry and someone is slowing me down...I could be the one who chooses patience. It's easy to be kind to friends or those that love me, but when someone hurts me or my family, I could choose to express my feelings with kindness. When I don't feel like it because it's raining out or gloomy, I'm tired or drained, I'm hormonal or just having a moment...I could be the one who still shines with joy. And not in the annoying-happy-all-the-time way. But, just with a joy about me no matter what. A realistic joy. Instead of trying to be "good" at things that don't matter or that people expect me to be, I could be filled with goodness. When someone pushes my buttons or when I want to over-indulge in junk food because I "feel" like it, I could choose self-control. I could hold my tongue. I could keep it to myself. I could not eat the ice cream. When my daughter expects me to lash out in anger and yelling because she's done what I asked her not to do 200 times already, I could surprise her and discipline her with gentleness. I could be the one who makes time, no matter what, to read my Bible and have quiet time with Jesus...pray...to show my faithfulness every day. I could be the person who shows LOVE. Pure and simple. Love of people, love of my family, love of my neighbors, animals, the planet, love for those that don't love me.
I guess what I'm learning is that this verse needs to be more then my mantra. It needs to be more then something I think about, more then something that makes me feel guilty, and more then a tattoo. Remembering this verse, these Fruits of the Spirit, and making the choice to live them out, is one of the most important choices I will make in my life every day. It solves a lot of problems. It changes things. It changes me. It moves others to change. It softens hearts... my heart first. It brings healing and hope and miracles, really. I will fail, of course. But I can try, each new day, to be a walking, talking, real, flawed, imperfect "tree" that bears THIS kind of fruit.
~KDM
5/22/16
