Being Content

I ran in my backyard today. No, seriously! I ran...like people, who run.  Now granted, I could only run an average of two laps around my yard before I had to walk a few.  But, eventually, I started running a few more laps again. And I kept running and walking for 30 whole minutes.  Running! Outside! Me!

Today feels like one of the first times in a very long time that I had some true "me" time. I've had a day or two recently where I didn't have any of the kids home with me for an entire two hours. But those have usually been spent with me cleaning the house. And I'm not complaining. There is something to be said for getting the chance to clean my house with whatever music playing that I choose, where there isn't any little person asking for me or yelling in the background or demanding my attention.  But today, I was able to have some actual peace. Reflection. A moment I haven't had in a very long time.

As I ran (did I mention I ran in my backyard today?!), I listened to fun, upbeat music that kept me motivated. Then as I cooled down and finished my final walking laps, I changed my Playlist to my worship songs. Through my battled breath and despite if the neighbors could hear me, I started to sing along. The sun was shining through the clouds, the air was cool and I had no distractions. As one of my favorite songs started playing, "Oceans - Where Feet May Fail," I decided to just sit down for a few minutes and listen.  Catch my breath. Rest in the victory that I actually did something I've been talking about doing for months. I ran in the fresh air, by myself.  And by the way, if you haven't listened to that song, you should go and listen to it right away. It's been a bit of my mantra lately.

As I took those moments to just rest, reflect and listen to the words, tears started streaming down my face. For whatever reason, God brought to my mind all the blessings in my life. He brought to my mind, what the desires of my heart have been since I can remember. And He showed me, without words, how each of those desires has been fulfilled.  Each. One.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a stay-at-home Mom. I wanted to be a "mom" when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a wife and stay-at-home mom from the time I was old enough to have children and understand all the sacrifice that came with that choice. And today - I am. That's my job.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to live in Morey's Landing in Wilsonville.  Now, I realize how silly that sounds. A "desire of your heart" to be living in a certain neighborhood. But, it has been something I've wanted for years. My sister used to own a home here with her family and I always loved the feel of the neighborhood.  As we have met more people and lived here as a family the past several years, a lot of our friends and our kids' friends live in Morey's Landing. I have wanted to live here for a long time, in a house with some privacy, a big back yard on a nice, quiet street.  And today - I do. I live here.

For the over three years that I was single and raising Emily on my own, the main desire of my heart was to find a good man to not only be my partner in life, but to be Emily's father. That was a tall order. Now, I got lost along the way, made poor choices and at times, lowered my standards. But by God's grace, I was able to wade through all of that and He brought Adam into our life. I had prayed for and sought out a man who I would fall in love with, who wanted the same future I did, who made me laugh and who I had a connection with. A man that would be an amazing father to Emily and love her as his own.  And today - I have him. I'm Adam's wife.

For all of my adult life, adoption has always been on my heart. I would watch those adoption shows on TV where they show the stories of these children who needed good families and these parents who found the child they had always been looking for and I would sob. I wanted to pick up the phone and adopt 10 children, right then and there. I still get that way when I hear of adoption needs. I have always talked about the idea of wanting to adopt someday and wondered how God would bring adoption into my life.  Now, my answer didn't come the way I expected.  God hasn't (yet) brought a woman into our lives who needs us to adopt her baby, or He hasn't showed us a path of wanting to go overseas to adopt a child from another country. But, I have adopted my child. Ashley wasn't born from me and she has a mother in Heaven. I could never compare to her and don't try to.  But, the fact is - I adopted Ashley and in every single way possible, she is my daughter. I wanted to adopt - and today - I have. I have Ashley.

Now, I'm not sharing this because I want to spout off all the ways my life is so "blessed" and how special I am that God has granted me my every wish. Even with all these desires fulfilled, life is never easy. It's hard. Yes, I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but none of us have any idea how much energy, patience, time, and dedication that entails until we're doing it. I love my job, but some days, it feels like way more then I can handle. Yes, I've always wanted to live in this neighborhood and I love it. But, none of us knows what the future holds. It costs quite a bit of money to live here and sacrifices have to be made financially to afford the mortgage. And yes, I do have a wonderful husband in Adam. But marriage is not a fairy tale. It's a lot of work. He's a man and well...men are men. And I am not easy to live with or keep happy! We argue some and find ourselves getting lazy or not connecting like we used to. We're tired and wore out and spend too much time zoning out in front of the TV, But despite being a "man," he is the best man I know and the only one I'd ever want to live this life with. And finally - yes...I've adopted Ashley. My life-long dream has come true. But it's not always easy raising another person's child. You don't always understand them or relate to them in exactly the same way. And when a young girl loses her mother to cancer, it has lasting, emotional impacts on her spirit that we work through as a family, regularly.

Life is life and I won't pretend all my dreams that have come true aren't filled with a big dose of reality. But what God showed me in those moments in my backyard this morning, was to finally be CONTENT.  So often, I forget all those blessings I just listed above. I have very clearly realized at this stage in my life, that I am a person who is very rarely content. I'm always looking for something else. Something new. Something more. I don't focus on the amazing blessings I already have. I get swept up in the "what could be better." Whether that be hunting for a new car, searching for a new house, looking for a new pet, researching what goes into adopting a baby, looking online about being a foster parent... the list goes on and on. I can continually live in a mindset of finding what "I need" next. Being content doesn't seem to come easy for me.

Yet today, through my tears and praise, it became more clear to me then it ever has before. My remorse for struggling with being content overwhelmed me. Those voices in my head that like to tell me every now and then, I don't deserve this life I live, were quieted. My fear of losing this life I am so thankful for and the unknown possibilities of what horrible thing could happen to someone I love, to my children, to my husband or parents, were settled. I don't know what tomorrow brings or even what will happen this afternoon. But I can see now that I don't need anything more then what I have. I want to find true contentment in today and only focus on how to improve myself in this life I am living right before me.

To remember, during those moments when...
the kids are driving me crazy and I'm wanting to yell and lash out;
the house is messy and feels like a never ending battle I can't keep up with;
my husband doesn't listen how I'd like him to or hurts my feelings in some way;
I'm not connecting as well as I'd like to with my daughter...

...that those are the moments to take a breath and remember what God put on my heart today. To remember the day in the backyard when I ran.  And when I heard Him speak to me in a way I never have. God has given me what I have always longed for in so many different ways, and He's leaving it up to me what I do with that. How I treasure those desires that have come to fruition. To see through a different perspective what a miracle this all is that I'm even here.  And to remind me that because life is what it is on this earth, we never know what could happen tomorrow and I need to take advantage of every moment I have.

Life still won't be easy or perfect. I won't always make the right choices and I'm sure over time, I'll struggle with keeping my focus on being content. But today...I'm focusing on what a special moment I had. And I sure hope I can find another one of those moments soon.

No matter what feels hard, no matter what feels like it's not enough...I am choosing today, to be CONTENT.

~Kristel