My Greatest of Fears

Death really scares me.

Before you read on, I should give you fair warning that this post isn't filled with all the fluffy, feel-good thoughts and ideas about death that I should be saying as a Jesus follower.  I'm not going to say things like "God always has a plan" and "I look forward to Eternity." Of course I believe all of that.  I really do.  I would be lost without my Faith and my Foundation.  I believe everything God explains Heaven to be and the idea of Eternity and where I want my soul to end up when I leave this earth.

Today I want to talk about the ugly, cruel, scary reality of death.  The thoughts that swim in my mind at times and consume my fear-driven thoughts.

There are so many different ways that death frightens me to my core. The fear of losing my own life, my husband passing before me, my parents growing older and the years going faster.  Then there is the idea of anything happening to my children and that is more then I can bear.  Death scares me.

My parents are older then most of my friends' parents and although that has had many benefits, there are some downsides to it too.  My husbands' parents are in their 50's and yet my parents are in their 70's.  Adam and I are only six months apart but this is something I have grown pretty used to...having older parents.  My parents have never acted, looked or seemed older so that has been a huge blessing.  They are the most active people I know.  But lately, it feels like the signs they are growing "older" are becoming more obvious.  Health issues are one way but the bigger issue that is making me think about it more is how their friends, their age, are either becoming ill or passing away.  Just yesterday a friend of my parents' died of a heart attack almost instantly.  Out of the blue.  Sitting in the car waiting for her husband to come out of Fred Meyers.  She was around my parents' age.  She has a husband, children, grandchildren and friends who thought she was just fine one minute.  And the next, her life was over.  She is just...gone.  It completely consumes me with fear. We talk about them with sympathy and sadness.  And I think to myself...will this be me some day?  Will people be talking about our family like this one day when one of my parents' passes away suddenly? God help me, I hope not.  But, it could happen.

My dear friend lost her daughter at the age of 4 completely unexpectedly and in a wickedly, cruel way.  That truly shook me to my core.  It shook my faith, what I believed to be true all my life.  For the first time, life made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever and neither did God and His plans. Why? Why do these horrific tragedies have to happen to our children? Vienne was beautiful inside and out and her parents adored her.  Adored.  There are so many children in the world who aren't loved...who are beaten and abused. Who are born into a life that doesn't give them a chance in this world.  Not to say they should be chosen to die young...of course not. But if a child HAS to die, couldn't it be a child who would see death as a prize versus the life they live?  Even as I type that though...what I have been taught creeps into my mind and I hear that small voice saying..."But isn't death a prize for any of us?"  Yes.  I know.

Ever since Vienne passed away, the understanding that something could, in fact, happen to my children has become very real. I could go to wake them up in the morning and find them no longer breathing.  They could be in a car accident.  I could be driving and survive and they couldn't.  They could be shot while in their 1st grade classroom at school.  Any number of things could happen.  I don't know how I got through the first year of Sophie's (my youngest) life, to be honest. I think I checked the video monitor every other minute and slept with one eye open.  Children should never die before their parents.  Period.

But aren't we all children to someone?  What about the children who pass before their parents but are in their 20's? 30's? 40's?  What about those grieving parents? When I think about what my husband has gone through, losing his first wife to brain cancer, I also think about what her parents have gone through.  Her family.  Her friends.  Her daughter...who is now my daughter as well.  How did these people survive that? Yes, they knew it was coming and it wasn't as shocking perhaps as someone who loses a loved one out of the blue. But still, I'm confident to say the grief is just as strong. The pain is just as horrific. Where is the logic in who dies young and who lives to be 100? There could be a man who lives until his 99th birthday, who drank and smoke and ate fattening foods all his life.  And then there can be a woman who gets brain cancer for no reason, out of the blue, while in college and struggles with it for the next many years.  Who had a strong faith in God the Healer, who used her talents for His glory, who was loved and adored by many. Who had a husband and a daughter. And yet, she is taken.  Truly, I can make no sense of that. I feel myself longing for a list of criteria for those that will live a long life and those that will die young.  If only we knew.

I look at my husband, Adam, and in our 30's we feel fairly young and healthy. Sure, we need to lose weight and change our diet some.  But generally we aren't at the age where we think about something happening to one of us.  Except that I do.  I think about something happening to him driving to work one day.  I think about something happening to him when he boards a plane alone for a work trip.  What would I do without him? What would my kids do? How would they survive that?

And finally, I worry about my own mortality.  And that makes me instantly teary.  Not because I value my life higher then the others I've mentioned.  Oh no.  The thought of something happening to me makes me cry because of what it would do to my family.  How my husband would manage. How my kids would be affected.  How heartbroken my parents would be. I can't stand the thought of it. I would never want to cause that kind of pain on anyone I love.

Death scares me.  It seems unfair and cruel...random yet planned.  The wake of death lingers forever in the lives of those who are left behind.  I want my parents to live until forever.  I want my kids to live full lives and die as old women in their sleep.  I want Adam and I to die together, at the same time, once we have lived to 100. Ha. I want to avoid death at all costs, to every person I love.  But we can't stop it, can we?  We can't control it or dictate to it or convince it not to come.

So what do I do with all this fear? And how does my Faith play a part?  Well...I don't really know to tell you the truth.  I'm thankful I have the ability to not let the fear consume me.  I may be protective of my kids, but I'm not unhealthy about it.  They lead full lives and I don't wrap them in bubble wrap, so that is a start.  I let my husband leave the house without me.  I don't text or call my mom 47 times if a few hours go by and I don't hear from her.  I attempt not to be a freak and pull it off most of the time.

What I do...is pray.  I pray more.  I pray for protection over my children and I pray for another day to be their mother here on this earth.  I beg God, some days.  But I also realize that as hard as I pray and as strong as my faith can be, that doesn't mean that my kids will outlive me like I want them to.  I'm just not in control of that and I continue to try and accept that.  I also pray for my parents' lives and health, my husbands' and anyone I care about.  I talk to God about my fears and my desires for these precious people I hold dear.

You would think that with all this fear and thinking about death that I would be one of those people living each day to the fullest and singing Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" song as if it were my anthem.  "Live today as if it were your last day on earth." Right? Isn't that what people say? But do we really live like that? Or does every day, normal routine life get in the way of that? Before you know it, my thoughts and fears of death fade out by my dog annoyingly barking in the back yard at the neighbors and my almost 2 year old reaching her hand into the toilet. I'm distracted by my two older daughters arguing or singing at the top of their lungs, running around like maniacs and yelling at them to settle down.  I'm sighing at my husband for not remembering to take out the garbage when it's overflowing or lecturing everyone to stop playing video games for so long.  Or, I'm busy loving life and being happy. I'm singing with my kids and chasing my toddler around the house as she fills our home with the cutest giggles I have ever heard.  I'm cracking up with my husband in bed watching some dumb tv show but really just watching him as he cries tears of laughter and falling in love with him even more.  I'm texting with or talking to my mom and sharing those thoughts and feelings I can share with no one else and treasuring her friendship.  I'm having coffee with a girlfriend and catching up on how she's really doing versus how everything appears on Facebook.  I'm busy living life, right? That's what we do.

Death does scare me.  When I think of anything happening to my parents, I will always start crying.  I always have since I was young.  When I think of anything happening to my husband, my heart will ache. When I think of something happening to my children, I will catch my breath and feel a surge of panic for a moment. But hopefully...after I do all those things and feel all those feelings...I will stop.  I will pray for peace and acceptance of what I cannot change or control. And I will get back to living life. I may not be perfect at all my roles in this crazy life and I may not remember to always appreciate every moment of every day as if it were my last.  But I'm living, I'm laughing, I'm loving others and I'm focusing on those I treasure.  And all I can do is hope that when or if the day comes I am faced with my greatest of fears...that I will handle it with Hope, with Faith, and with Love. And in the meantime, I will keep on soaking in this life I have one precious moment at a time.

~KM
1/8/2015