What Facebook Doesn't Tell...

Life isn't what it looks like on Facebook.

I was talking to someone yesterday and she made a statement that made me think. "You, Adam and your family sure seem happy. Are you?"

Now of course she isn't just basing that on pictures she sees on Facebook. She does see us some in person too.  But probably more so, she is basing her question on all the pictures she sees online - date nights, selfies in the car, my girls posing perfectly and looking adorable.  The smiles. The numerous pictures of us looking like the picture-perfect family. I mean, that's what Facebook basically does - it gives people an impression of your family and allows them to believe they know you and what your life looks like.  But what Facebook doesn't show are those moments that aren't worth taking a picture of.

Today I'm not having the best day. It's not a bad day. I don't really have a reason to be grumpy. But I just am.  This is the third morning in a row I feel this way.  I'm tired. My husband and I consistently say we're going to go to bed early and before we know it, 11:00 rolls around and we are still watching some TV show in bed.  With all the hours in the day my brain has to be "on", I need that downtime to turn my brain off and just "be." But sleep! Sleep would probably be better for me. For us. Are we the only crazy people who fight going to sleep and then suffer for it day after day? Adam has always teased me that he hasn't slept in 3 years...since the day he met me.

Besides being tired, my kids can sometimes drive me crazy in the mornings. Despite being very emotional, I am just as logical too. Things need to make sense for me to agree with it or accept it. So in my mind, by the age of 6 and coming up on 7, kids should be able to use their own common sense... right? They should know what needs to be done in the mornings like drink all your water with vitamins in it, eat all your breakfast, change your underwear... you know, the basics. I shouldn't have to remind them of every little thing, right? But yet, that is what I find myself doing. And it drives me nuts! So the mornings are spent reminding them in that "I'm totally irritated with you right now" mom tone, nagging, disciplining, saying "hurry up!" for the 100th time, only to truly feel a sense of relief as they walk out the door at 7:30 for school.  Isn't that terrible? I actually feel relieved when they leave for school! That makes me feel like an awful mother but it's simply the truth.

Now granted, even though I'm relieved they leave in the mornings, that doesn't mean I don't miss them. When I have to run errands and I drive past their school, I find myself eagerly looking at the playground to see if just maybe, I will catch a glimpse of my girls out there. I pray for their safety and their day every time I drive by. When I stand outside and wait for them to be released from school, I am truly happy to see their little smiling faces. But let's get back to admitting the "bad mommy" stuff.

You know when else I feel relief? When my kids go to bed. The minute 7:30 rolls around and my girls are tucked in bed, I let out the longest sigh of relief in my day. The day is done!  By the time bedtime rolls around,  I'm done having to be a drill sergeant, boss, piano teacher, cook, maid, playmate, homework guru, and referee! It's like the best part of my day...some days. Did I really just say that?! I really do love my kids. I do. I love being a mom.  Well, most of the time I really love being a mom. But is it that wrong if there are rare moments where I just want to be selfish? Self-centered? Where I want someone to make me dinner, clean my house, make all the hard decisions, give me a massage and feed me ice cream that somehow won't make me fat? Because that is what I long for certain moments of certain days. Am I alone?

I've also decided over the past 3 years that I am probably a better mom to one child at a time. When it's just my two year old and I, I feel like I'm a pretty great mom! When I spend alone time with one of my older girls, it's really fun.  During those moments, I give myself a big fat star for a job well done. But you get them all together, I'm not always winning mother-of-the-year awards. I don't handle chaos well. I don't love a lot of loud noise. Repetitive sounds like humming or tongue clicking make me crazy. So does high pitched little girl screaming. And the funny part is, I say all of this and my kids are very well behaved! God sure knew what kind of kids I needed. And I really see that now.

He gave me one child that encourages my ability to make out-of-the-box health choices. She pushes me to be an advocate for our own health and be more diligent then perhaps I would have been, with healthier eating and diet restrictions. She also fills me with affirmation, love and sweetness that I long for. I worry about her probably more then any of my kids, but I believe that makes us better parents. More invested. I try harder because I'm on top of any and all concerns. She keeps me active physically.  She shares my love of music. She understands me and has a maturity about her right at the times I need it as a mother.

God also gave me a daughter that stretches me as a mother. I don't always understand her or relate to her. God knows how much I need to work on patience and what better way then giving me a daughter who will test it. She reminds me that although it's good to be a strong mom and tough on rules, I can also bring grace and a gentleness to the family. God knew I needed a daughter that I can really talk to about the hard issues. I see her being the child I sit and talk with for hours about a tough situation or life issue. It's during those times she has a maturity I really need. She is the child that pushes me to be a mature parent in thinking outside the box for discipline ideas, ways to motivate, or ideas to push her outside her comfort zone. She reminds me how giving my child more one-on-one attention helps them in countless ways. She thinks with a depth and wisdom at times that fill me with pride to be her mother. She may be a challenge for me at times, but the reward of being her mother is just that much greater.

Then God gave me a baby. Ha! Being a mom to a toddler at 36 is very different then being a mom at 30! This has also been a very different experience for me because the last time I had an infant or toddler, I was a single mom. I did everything on my own. This time, not only do I have a partner in my husband, but I also have two other children to be responsible for. To say it's been a huge adjustment is an understatement. But I believe that God knew the desires of my heart and that was to have another baby. To be able to share the experience of raising a child together with my husband from the time she was born. I really needed that. I do foresee this toddler of ours being more of a handful then I am used to. She is feisty and stubborn and full of self-expression. But God knows I need that challenge as well. She is a joy I can't even put into words.  And maybe from seeing her various moods and emotions, I can learn how important it is to control my own.

Life isn't what it looks like on Facebook. We do have many picture-worthy moments and they are all genuine. There are moments in my every-day life where I can't believe I was blessed with being a mom to these three girls and am married to the wonderful man I'm married to.  But let's be real. There are also those moments where my kids are driving me so crazy it takes every ounce of effort not to lose my mind. My temper is lost on a regular basis. There are moments where my husband and I argue. We've even argued in front of the kids, which makes me feel like the world's worst mother alive. But failure is a part of reality. That's just life. I think of a quote often that someone told me once a long time ago: "Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful."  Boy, was she right.

And you know, after sharing all of this, it does remind me of the perspective I need to have more often. I need to think of those reasons I believe God gave me the kids He did when I'm in a frustrating situation. I need to remember the qualities I adore in my children when I'm having a day where I don't feel like being a mom. And I probably need to give myself a break. I've realized that it is just as important to hold myself accountable as it is to give myself a break. I want to push myself to be a better mother, have more patience, be more present, have more fun. . . and then also remember to not beat myself up when I fail.

Life is messy and complicated. Being a parent is hard. We are all works in progress. But you know, in the meantime while we live this crazy life...why not post our cute pictures of Facebook? I love my kids and love sharing them with my friends. I love their smiles and funny poses and memories made through those pictures. Those moments are the ones I want to remember most. Those are the moments I want to share with the world because they make me smile and make me proud.  Maybe here and there we add a little dose of reality too so we can be there to support each other and relate to each other as mothers, wives and women. Let's try and be as real as we can with those we trust. And on that note, I better wrap this up so I can pay attention to my youngest and turn off the Dora episode she is watching for the second time this morning!

~KDM
1/28/15